I’ve had quite an interesting week, by my standards. I am sorry, but I’m not going to work through it in any sort of logical order, other than what I’ve managed to process first….
I went to the Brighton Pride festival yesterday. I’ve never really been to a festival like that before. We didn’t see so much of it, we went to the main event later on in the afternoon, but all day and evening it felt like one giant street party. It was really as if anything goes was the rule for the city. As if it had been written off as a clean slate on all levels. People could say and do and be whatever the hell they wanted.
And it was beautiful.
I found it hard (and I failed) to not let it romanticise my little mind. It sounds odd, with men covered in feathers, body paint and furs ruling the streets, litter everywhere and more public drinking than the world’s largest beer festival, but that’s how I felt. I felt like it was the sort of place I should take someone for a fun, romantic, weekend away. I didn’t get the chance to explore the city, and I’d really like to. The vibe of the city had so much energy, and at the same time feeling so relaxed and free, it felt like somewhere I could spend a lot of time. Somewhere I’d love to explore, and unearth secrets, whilst doing so with someone, and about them too.
Of course, such thoughts are a bit risky. And I’ll admit, I did send a text to my ex expressing this, in a very much more concise way.
I came home earlier than my friends today, on account of needing to go out for drinks with someone tonight, and hence had to travel alone. I had to make three changes in London due to works, or line closures or something. I’m not sure what it was, just worked around it. I didn’t get a chance to really see the city at all, what with not seeing any sort of daylight until I got to Kings Cross and managed to squeeze in a smoke between trains. However, I yet again fell in love with the city. There is something about the feel of London, it’s constant energy, the freedom of it and it’s quirkiness and beauty (I discovered the miniature shopping arcade in London bridge tube station today, and fell in love) that I just cannot get enough of.
Anyway, to the crux of it. The drinks I came home early for, were, indeed, with said ex-boyfriend. We’ve been talking / texting. I spent the night at his on Wednesday this week. I am decidedly not over-analysing the situation (or attempting to, atleast…)
I’m finding his company so, so easy to be in. It’s almost like getting to know someone all over again, but still knowing the basics on them, while figuring out / re-learing how to interact with them properly and effectively. I won’t lie (as, if anything, I’m determined to be open if I’m going to write this down…) I’m always pleased when I go to see him. And, tonight, I really would’ve preferred not going home alone. Alas, he had family obligations, so that idea went out of the window.
Please, do not get me wrong. What I’ve just written sounds very romantic and “smitten”. I am not, yet. I am very aware of faults in both of us, separately, and as a couple. I can point out issues between us in our former relationship as soon as blink, so please do not believe that I’ve sat here and rose tinted everything. I haven’t. But, on getting back in touch, I’ve remembered how easy and enjoyable contact and time with him can be.
I am well aware that this is hideously risky. Either one of us, or indeed both, could well end up getting quite hurt. I’ve spoken to him about this, and he’s not blind to that idea, either.
I am not pinning all my hopes and my heart on this just yet. I am merely “going with the flow”. The way I look at it, it’s what I want to do, and it isn’t causing any harm, so it can’t be that bad.
I’m not sure, and couldn’t offer up any explanation for the life of me as to where this is going, or how it will pan out.
However, there is only one way to find out….